Homemade Depot

Found this one that I wrote a while back....same story today!

My dog has been following me around all day.  He is stressing my life out.  He is wearing out my nerves.  And this is just my dog.  Let me tell you what my kids have done today....

"Homemade Depot", as Avary calls Home Depot, is conspiring against me.  I thought that I'd do a little house project and take my kids to Home Depot.  First ridiculous, should-have-seen-it-coming move of the day.  I can't get them in the car without them breaking something or making me break a sweat.

Immediately inside Homemade Depot, Christmas displays are strewn about in all their glory.  Why did you do this to me Home Depot?  We spend the better part of the hour playing with gigantic snow globes and singing Elvis stockings.  I break them away with promises of puppies and fairy tale endings.

I am in Homemade Depot to get materials to re-stain my kitchen cabinets.  Why do I take on such projects when my husband is out of town?  Whatever, it's cool but all in all, it's actually not so bad this time in the store with the kids.  Amazing!  Well, except for all of the miniature paint cans and brushes that Collin secretly stored in my purse.  I could have gotten arrested but I'm almost wishing for that at this point in my crazy life.

I do my business, get out of Homemade Depot and get home, but not without stopping for two overpriced Wacky Packs from Sonic.  We fight over drinks and toys and who got fries and who got apples on the way home.  I take my genius idea to a whole new level and decide to actually re-stain the cabinets while the kids are awake.  Big mistake.  Collin stained a cabinet by himself.  It looks spectacular.  So I send them out and put up the gate to work in so-called peace.  It goes well.  I'm scared.

I need to take a bathroom break.  I walk through the house, flip on the bathroom light, take two steps and BAM, BANG, CRASH!!!!!  Who hit me??  Who threw me to the floor?  What tha??  I lay there for a minute trying to figure out that the heck just happened.  As I try to gather myself and get up, I get caught up in, what is this?  Dental floss?  Yes, it's dental floss.  My kids have booby trapped the bathroom with my very own dental floss, the whole roll.  They went from the sink faucets to the bathtub shelves to the cabinet handles to the tub faucets to the toilet lever to who knows where else.  Wherever it went, it tripped me and sent me flying to the bathroom floor but not before banging my head on the side of the sink and the toilet.  This is funny to them.  Mission accomplished!  Mommy has a concussion!!  Whoo hooo!!!!!

I try to get myself together and not flip out on them, and avoid DSS, by doing a little more cabinet work while they watch Marmaduke.  Come on Marmaduke!  I'm counting on you to babysit my kids!  To my dismay, Collin brings me his diaper.  Yep, the one he is suppose to be wearing.  He is naked.  "Here mommy!"

"Thanks Collin but where are your clothes?"

"I peed the couch."

I cleaned the couches today.  Spec-effing-tacular.  Well, that explains his nakedness.  As if my couch didn't reek of pee and animal and spoiled chocolate milk anyway.  I clean and clean as my children continue to secretly sniff cocaine in another room.  I think their meth lab is in the shed.  They jump and run and tumble and destroy for a few more hours until the glorious time comes for them to go to bed.  There is no better time of the day!  It's like God has given me some special gift as I'm emerging from the depths of hell.  After all, I am still, in fact, in the second level of hell......or have I moved on down?  Only time will tell.