Where did the stork fabrication go?

Today, my four-year-old daughter, Avary, asked me how mommies get pregnack (pregnant)?  I sat in silence for a minute, not only because I was racking my brain on which version of this story I should give her, but because I thought I had time to prepare for this.  At least a few more years to think it through and decide what route I want to take.  Never underestimate Avary because she will drop a bomb on you everytime. 

In most cases, I have tried to be completely honest with my kids on the fundamentals of life but Avary isn't content with the "as is", she needs the who, what, when, where, and whys.  However, I am not above telling my kids that they will go blind and their eyes will rot out of their heads if they sit too close to the TV.  I will nod my head in agreement with my sister when she tells her kids not to wonder off in the store because there are monsters hiding all around in the place.  I know that's a big MINUS in the good parenting column but you gotta do what you gotta do. Don't judge me monkey!

Okay mommies out there, what happened to the stork?  Does anyone use this anymore?  I considered spouting off this stork humbug but I didn't want my kid being the only kid out there who believes that babies come from big white goofy birds in blue mailmen hats.  Running out of time, I digress and use old reliable, God.  Hey, He did say, "If I bring you to it, I'll bring you through it", right?  So I'm counting on You God.  You know how God sometimes doesn't answer your prayers?  Maybe He just needs a good laugh from time to time.  I say to my sweet little cherub awaiting my answer in the back seat of my car, "God gives babies to mommies and daddies."

Avary, not able to leave it "as is", ponders this and comes back with, "Where does God get the babies?"

Ugh!  "We'll Avary, it goes like this, when a mommy and daddy love each other, they tell God and He decides to give them a baby.  It's like a gift from...umm....somewhere where God makes His gifts."  Huh?  Please don't ask anymore questions my child.

"But mom, you told me that me and Collin came out of your belly."

"Well, you did but God put you there.  Welllll, at least God helped put you there."

Little Miss too-smart-for-her-own-good asks, "Does he cut the mommies bellies open and put the babies in there?"

Geez, is this a test?  I am not prepared for this quiz!  Can I go home and study?  Phone a friend?  Somebody throw me a freakin' bone!  "No Avary.  He doesn't do that.  See, when the mommy and daddy love each other, they get together and they make a baby through love."  And love comes in an essentials kit:)...see Brian Regan's "Standing Up", to get that joke.

"But mom, how does the baby get in the belly!"

"AVARY, the baby just gets in the belly, okay?!  It just gets in there somehow!  It's complicated and God sure did think of a crazy way to make it happen and He sure made it super awkard to explain to kids!  Honey, one day I will be able to explain it to you better and you will understand."  I think this is a lie.  I don't think that I will be able to tell her how this happens 10 years from now.  I'm not sure I want her to hear about how this happens until shes like 30....ish.  "In fact, Avary one day a long, long, long time from now, a really long time from now, you will get married and get pregnant and have kids of your own!!"

Silence.

"Mom?"

"Yes Avary."

"Sniff.  Mom, I don't want to be pregnack!  I don't want God to cut my belly open and put a baby inside!  Sniff, sniff.  I'm scared!!"

She started to cry and become frantic now.  It's not like I said, "By your fifth birthday, you must move out and find your own place and produce children!  Go young one, do not delay!"

Throughout my children's lives, I have realized that I have become my mother because I have started wishing things on my kids that my mom wished on me when I was young.  I have cursed Avary by saying just as my mother did, "One day, I hope you have kids just like you."  Well, all this baby talk has probably gotten Avary near panic attack mode.  In her poor little head, she is probably thinking that she is going to soon have babies and evil ones at that, since I jinxed her with one day having children just like her.

She sniffs and whines until we pull up at the mall.  When she realizes we are going to the play area, she jumps out of the car smiling like that whole deal didn't happen.  Let's keep it that way, I think in my head.  We go inside and I can't help thinking that in a few short years, she and I will have this conversation again.  With more detail and possibly more questions.  Hopefully with a lot of "ewwws" and "yucks" because as we all know, boys have cooties.

I have delegated Collin's birds and bees talk to Matt.  I'm sure a father and son can relate better...wait, nevermind.  Maybe I should have the birds and bees talk with Collin.  Matt might just try to give him some pointers. 

Either way, I look at my girl and don't feel like a total idiot.  By no means did I handle it well and I didn't exactly dodge a bullet because this one will come back around.  Hopefully, I will be ready to give the full truth.  But I made it though with no help from the untrustworthy stork.  I should have known though.  He didn't help me back when I wanted to have babies.  He didn't bring them to me in a basket with a big bow.  He didn't stand outside and smoke a cigar with my husband.  No, he was a big no-show and I had to do it on my own by getting pregnack.  With a few sprinkles of fertility medications in there to get it done. Yeah, yeah, and Matt helped a little bit too;)  But the stork didn't help me then and he sure didn't help me today.  Oh yeah, and thanks God! 

Stork Story"

By Shel Silverstein

You know the stork brings babies,
But did you also know
He comes and gets the older folks
When it's their time to go?
Zooms right down and scoops them up,
Then flaps back out the door
And flies them to the factory where
They all were made before.
And there their skin is tightened up,
Their muscles all are toned,
Their wrinkles all are ironed out,
They're given brand-new bones.
Ol' bent backs are straightened up,
New teeth are added too,
Tired hearts are all repaired
And made to work like new.
Their memories are all removed
And they're shrunk down, and then
The stork flies them back down to earth
As newborn babes again.