We will just starve then!

Yep, I said it.  We will just starve before I take that little spawn of Satan to the grocery store with me ever again!!  All of the mothers out there with two or more kids, NOT babies..they can make the trip almost as miserable, know what I'm talking about.  Well maybe you don't.  Maybe you were blessed with those normal kids who are content to sit in the cart or walk along beside you.  Heck, I'd even let my kids hang over the basket or sprawl out on the rack under the cart if they would just stay there.  I'd even go as far as to let them ride on my head and back if they would just leave stuff alone!

Yesterday, I made the mistake of taking my youngest, Collin, two-years-old, to the grocery store with me alone.  I thought it was going to be a breeze because I didn't have Avary, our four-year-old, with me.  Did you ever have a teacher tell you that to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME?  It's true.  Never assume that your child will do well in any situation at all.  They make you out to be a fool every single time and they laugh in your face all the while.

It's pouring down rain and Collin insist on walking from the car into the store because he's a BIG boy!  Drenched, we make it in and he refuses, and I mean kicking a screaming, to sit in the front of the cart and be strapped in.  At some point in this epic battle, he spotted that stupid, humongous, goofy, red car that is attached to the front of some carts for kids to ride in.  GRRRR!!  It's like steering an aircraft carrier through the grocery store!  My whole family could fit in that goober of a cart.  So, he promises to sit in the car cart and be a good boy, blah blah, lies lies!  We get as far as the produce before he Houdinis out of the "secure" straps and makes a run for it.  I'm no dummy so I just stand there and watch him.  I'm not chasing him.  I'm too tired.  Never mind that I am on my cell phone because it rings constantly and if I don't answer I am neglecting or ignoring my friends and family.  NOTE: I am not neglecting or ignoring you.  You don't want to talk to me anyway because you won't be able to hear me over the screaming from whatever catastrophic event is going down at the time.  Back to the grocery store.  As Collin is running, he is looking back at me to see if I'm chasing and BAM!  He collides with a wooden fruit stand and bounces off like a Sumo wrestler.  Well Mom of the Year, not me, runs over to check on my child and begins telling me where he is hurt and condemning me in her mind for being on my phone.  Looky here, Mrs. Perfect, I saw what my goofy child did and he deserved it!  Don't act like a jerk and run from me in the store and you wont experience an Americas Funniest Home Videos moment.  So I get some grapes and apples and go on my way.

All goes well for a couple of aisles and I think that I'm gonna get some stuff done.  Wrong again.  I was told three times that I better watch my child or he's gonna fall out of the cart!  Twice by the same woman, once by a man.  Shut up man!  I don't see any preschoolers with you trying to get groceries.  And by the way, last time I checked this kid came out of my body.  When you give birth to your kid, do what you want with him or her and let me do what I want with mine! We make our way to the dairy section and while I'm comparing the sugar in yogurts, because Lord knows my kids need less of that, I see Collin reaching over again and again.  Before I realize it, he has taken a bite out of almost every pack of unopened cheese!  OMG!  I look around to make sure no one was watching and got the heck out of that aisle before I had to admit that my kid did it.  Oh, and sweet little Collin offers me a grape:)  Yeah, he ate almost the whole bag of grapes!  When I get to the register the grapes are going to weigh like two ounces.  Who buys two ounces of grapes?   But I'm not going back to get more.  

I go down a few more aisles, bumping into displays and plowing down Grandmas with my monstrous, mega cart.  This was seriously the monster truck of shopping carts.  I should have had all-terrain or mud tires on it.  Maybe some Super Swampers or Mickey Thompsons.  It's time to check out and I don't care that I have more than 12 items.  I see two aisles open, one with 35 people in line and one with nobody in line.  I look at Collin and see a conniption, which by urban definition means to get wickedly mad pissed, coming on and head on to the express lane.  So what I have 20 items.  The little chick standing there says, "Ma'am, this is the express lane and you MUST have 12 items or less."  As I'm unloading my groceries onto her little moving belt thingy, I explain that I MUST be above this rule today or my child's head is going to start spinning and projectile vomit is in the near future.  She agrees because dang, the other chick is working her butt off and she is just standing there with no one in line.  I don't get it.  Shouldn't that rule be void when there is no one with under 12 items?  Do I need to write my Congressman about it?  Common sense people, let's get with it.  She rings it up and I swipe my card.  $57?  For what?  Grapes, milk and chicken nuggets?  Highway robbery!  Because Collin is pissed he didn't get any candy, shocker, he hits the cancel button on the credit card machine.  Little turd!  No big, I just run it again but at this point, I'm so done with him.

Out of the store and it has upgraded from pouring rain to monsoon.  Good thing Matt and Avary are
 comfy and cozy in the gym getting in a uplifting but relaxing workout.  It's a whole new ball of wax when we get home because the driveway is full of gasp..........  MUD PUDDLES!