Things I should never have to say to another human..

There are just some things that a person should never have to say to another person.  I have found myself reminding my children to not do some pretty bizarre things.  Here are just a few things I have said lately that I think are just down right unnecessary:

1.  Don't ride the dog
2.  Don't use the dog's cage as a step stool
3.  Don't bite your toenails
4.  Don't sit on that baby
5.  Don't lick the bottom of your shoes
6.  Don't pee on my bathroom rug
7.  Don't pee on your sister
8.  Don't try to see how far you can stick your arm down the toilet hole
9.  Don't repeatedly gag yourself
10.Don't drink contact solution
11.Don't put Operation game pieces up your nose
12.Don't touch the dog's butt
13.Don't eat my homework (that should only be said to a dog right? not in my house)
14.Don't break all of my eggs in the refrigerator..again
15.Don't grind my makeup into the carpet
16.Don't make spitballs out of the toilet paper
17.Don't put the dog in your toy box
18.Don't throw toys down the air vents, toilet, garbage disposal, etc.
19.Don't paint my car with mud
20.Don't feed the dog Gobstoppers
21.Don't call 911 on my cell phone
22.Don't spread sunscreen on the computer screen
23.Don't poop in the pack n play or the floor
24.Don't paint the walls and carpet with nail polish
25.Don't put rocks in my car tires
26.Don't take all my tampons apart
27.Don't pretend your pee pee is Stretch Armstrong
28.Don't pick your brother's nose and don't let him pick yours
29.Don't repeat what Mommy says while she's driving
30.Don't repeat those words at church either
31.Don't eat bugs
32.Don't bring me a bug you found
33.Don't eat Easter egg dye
34.Don't try to take diet pills
35.Don't eat screws or we will have to go to ER again
36.Don't eat dog food or drink out of the dog's water bowl
37.Don't stick pantyliners all over your naked body
38.Don't get hurt or I'm not taking you to Wal-Mart:) hehe

Will update this list as needed:)

They scare me..

These past few days have been a hair-raising experience.  I am truly scared. These two little people in my house have begun to take over.  I am realizing that they honestly think I am a joke.  My warnings, threats, ultimate rulings, and eventual beatings don't mean a thing anymore.  I'm beginning to think that my children are deaf.  Maybe they are those kind of people who enjoy inflicting pain on others, like sadists.  Whatever they are, I don't think they have a conscious.  

Two days ago, I am cleaning upstairs and realize that my children are downstairs, ALONE.  Terrified, because I'm sure the house is going to cave in at any time due to the damage they have probably already caused, I run down the stairs.  All the while tripping over the dumb, knot-on-a-log dog, almost splattering myself on the hardwoods at the bottom of the stairs.  I mean, damn dog if someone 20 times your size is running toward you, move your ass!!  

I find the oldest one sitting on the couch watching cartoons.  Seems harmless enough, but she is eating a popsicle.  I find the little one on the counter, via the dining room table chair that he dragged through the house.  He had opened our mail, gotten himself and Avary popsicles out of the freezer, and was eating about 13 Gobstoppers that we thought were out of reach.  Nothing is out of reach.  Things on the ceiling aren't out of reach.  

Speaking of climbing on counters, they do this often.  They are like jungle cats or cockroaches climbing the walls and counters.  A couple of months ago, they went on a wild rampage through the house and I found them on the counter.  This time Avary had climbed up on the washing machine to get a cooler that they would use to climb on other things.  First let me tell you that Avary had on a Barney the Dinosaur costume from Halloween two years ago.  So, I find her in the cabinet eating Easter egg dye tablets...???? WTF?????  I'm hoping they are non-toxic. Her accomplice hadn't made it as far but was on the cooler using the metal egg dipper to dip various things into the (cold) coffee pot.  Why do they think this is acceptable?

How unacceptable is this:  I found them the other day in the medicine cabinet eating Spongebob Band-Aids.  After chewing them up, they were using them as spit-balls.  Not only does this make me furious, I think that I am most upset about the fact that those Spongebob Band-Aids cost a fortune!  While punishing them, I am yelling, "You'll never get Spongebob Band-Aids ever again!  Nope, it's good ol' ugly, brown, Dollar Tree brand, plastic bandages for ya'll!!"  Mwah-ha-ha-ha!!

Avary has always been a climber.  In fact, we have to bolt furniture to the wall so she doesn't turn it over on herself.  You know this happened a few times and that is why we had to start bolting!  Good thing she never got hurt, just my furniture did.  I like to think that if one of them did fall off a dresser and get hurt, they would stop the excessive climbing.  This, though, simply is not true.  Along with their deafness, I think they lack the ability to comprehend.  

As I am sitting here pouring my woes out to you, those two little people are on the loose in my house.  I thinking it might be a good idea to go and assess the damage.  I'm scared.  I will update you on the current destruction as I can.  Oh hell, they just ran into the bathroom and shut the door..........

The trials of THIS MOM

I am a mom of two beautiful children.  I use this term very lightly because they are ugly!  What I mean is those two have very ugly attitudes!  I like to think of my motherly endeavors as daily trials and tribulations. I am a spiritual woman, I love Jesus and I try to teach my children how to walk the christian walk.  But those two are demons and I'm sure I've witnessed their heads spinning with projectile vomit.

 My sweet baby girl, four year old Avary, was my first born.  My heart and soul.  My miracle.  I was told that children weren't in my future and to medicate with fertility drugs and hope and pray but don't get my hopes up.  After a solid year of baby-making and fertility drugs, much to my husband's merriment, we popped positive.  We were so happy but little did we know that a positive result on this test was much like popping positive on an STD test.  This was something we had to live with forever.

A long an grueling eight months later, because thank God I went early, our precious bouncing baby girl was born!!  I thought, "phew, what a breeze!"  Labor was nothing and pushing was a joke!  My sisters and mama even comment on how "Zen" my delivery room was.  No screaming, no crying, nothing.  Just bam, Ta-da, here's Avary.

Oh, I tell you, this baby was beautiful!  Perfect.  When I held this angel in my arms for the first time, I smiled and cried because it was then that I knew I had entered the first circle of Hell.

After two blissful, disastrous years, I yearned for another infant.  I got the baby fever bad.  My sister gave birth to a perfect little boy and I held that little monster and made a vow to myself to give it another shot.  My Avary was walking and nearly talking.  My arms ached with a real pain to cradle a sweet little baby boy.  However, I was told that having one baby could "fix" me and I could have babies on my own or have to do fertility treatments once again.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, and gentlemen if you are reading, I swear with all my heart and soul that I thought that I couldn't have babies on my own so I told my husband that contraception was a joke for us!  HA!  Low and behold, I got pregnant the same week my sister was giving birth!  Must be like some karma in the air because I got exactly what I wished for!  Do you remember how your mama used to say, "Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it."  Well, I got it.  Lord almighty did I get it.  I think the Lord was punishing me for bugging the hell out of him with my baby wishes and prayers.  He said, "Shannon, I'm gonna give you that baby and damn if it's not gonna cost you!"

Let me back it up a bit.  My husband is in the Navy and deploys often.  Well, we had just bought a new house.  Our first house ever.  We moved in and immediately found out that I was pregnant.  The kicker is that he was due to deploy to Bahrain the next week!!!!  F#&K!  I'm pregnant, I have an 18 month old, a new house, and my husband is leaving the country for six months!  FML...if you know what that means.

I toughed out six months with the wonderful help of my wonderfully crazy family and my husband's equally crazy family.  Understand that I have been blessed with three (my husbands parents are divorced) of the best families that I could have ever asked for and I love every single one of them with all of my tired heart.

Long story short, husband comes home to humongous wife who is almost due and a crazy two year old. Adjustments needed.  We deal, we do it as every military family does.  Let me tell you how I go into labor, is this off subject?  Anywho, I walk a ridiculous amount and take a shot of castor oil and maybe a bit of nipple stimulation, because I hear it releases oxytocin which makes you umm, go into labor or something.  All right, so with Collin, I go into labor.  Goes good, about nine and a half hours of excruciating labor later, I'm thinking, "I thought this was easy!"  Avary must have been a fluke because Collin was tearing my insides apart!

Collin made his debut and he was just as beautiful as my Avary was!  I bonded with this baby instantly.  I held that little villain in my arms and crooned a lullaby as sweet as an hymn.  During my love song to my baby, I look up and see my mother-in-law's boyfriend, Everette, enter the room to take a peek at the baby.  This would have been so cool except that my bloody, blown out vagina was on display for the world to see!  I'm so sure that every time he looks at me now, he sees my mangled vagina.  How embarrassing!!

However, as I am cuddling my second-born, my sweet baby boy, I smile and cry because it was then that I knew I had entered the second circle of Hell.........