We will just starve then!

Yep, I said it.  We will just starve before I take that little spawn of Satan to the grocery store with me ever again!!  All of the mothers out there with two or more kids, NOT babies..they can make the trip almost as miserable, know what I'm talking about.  Well maybe you don't.  Maybe you were blessed with those normal kids who are content to sit in the cart or walk along beside you.  Heck, I'd even let my kids hang over the basket or sprawl out on the rack under the cart if they would just stay there.  I'd even go as far as to let them ride on my head and back if they would just leave stuff alone!

Yesterday, I made the mistake of taking my youngest, Collin, two-years-old, to the grocery store with me alone.  I thought it was going to be a breeze because I didn't have Avary, our four-year-old, with me.  Did you ever have a teacher tell you that to ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME?  It's true.  Never assume that your child will do well in any situation at all.  They make you out to be a fool every single time and they laugh in your face all the while.

It's pouring down rain and Collin insist on walking from the car into the store because he's a BIG boy!  Drenched, we make it in and he refuses, and I mean kicking a screaming, to sit in the front of the cart and be strapped in.  At some point in this epic battle, he spotted that stupid, humongous, goofy, red car that is attached to the front of some carts for kids to ride in.  GRRRR!!  It's like steering an aircraft carrier through the grocery store!  My whole family could fit in that goober of a cart.  So, he promises to sit in the car cart and be a good boy, blah blah, lies lies!  We get as far as the produce before he Houdinis out of the "secure" straps and makes a run for it.  I'm no dummy so I just stand there and watch him.  I'm not chasing him.  I'm too tired.  Never mind that I am on my cell phone because it rings constantly and if I don't answer I am neglecting or ignoring my friends and family.  NOTE: I am not neglecting or ignoring you.  You don't want to talk to me anyway because you won't be able to hear me over the screaming from whatever catastrophic event is going down at the time.  Back to the grocery store.  As Collin is running, he is looking back at me to see if I'm chasing and BAM!  He collides with a wooden fruit stand and bounces off like a Sumo wrestler.  Well Mom of the Year, not me, runs over to check on my child and begins telling me where he is hurt and condemning me in her mind for being on my phone.  Looky here, Mrs. Perfect, I saw what my goofy child did and he deserved it!  Don't act like a jerk and run from me in the store and you wont experience an Americas Funniest Home Videos moment.  So I get some grapes and apples and go on my way.

All goes well for a couple of aisles and I think that I'm gonna get some stuff done.  Wrong again.  I was told three times that I better watch my child or he's gonna fall out of the cart!  Twice by the same woman, once by a man.  Shut up man!  I don't see any preschoolers with you trying to get groceries.  And by the way, last time I checked this kid came out of my body.  When you give birth to your kid, do what you want with him or her and let me do what I want with mine! We make our way to the dairy section and while I'm comparing the sugar in yogurts, because Lord knows my kids need less of that, I see Collin reaching over again and again.  Before I realize it, he has taken a bite out of almost every pack of unopened cheese!  OMG!  I look around to make sure no one was watching and got the heck out of that aisle before I had to admit that my kid did it.  Oh, and sweet little Collin offers me a grape:)  Yeah, he ate almost the whole bag of grapes!  When I get to the register the grapes are going to weigh like two ounces.  Who buys two ounces of grapes?   But I'm not going back to get more.  

I go down a few more aisles, bumping into displays and plowing down Grandmas with my monstrous, mega cart.  This was seriously the monster truck of shopping carts.  I should have had all-terrain or mud tires on it.  Maybe some Super Swampers or Mickey Thompsons.  It's time to check out and I don't care that I have more than 12 items.  I see two aisles open, one with 35 people in line and one with nobody in line.  I look at Collin and see a conniption, which by urban definition means to get wickedly mad pissed, coming on and head on to the express lane.  So what I have 20 items.  The little chick standing there says, "Ma'am, this is the express lane and you MUST have 12 items or less."  As I'm unloading my groceries onto her little moving belt thingy, I explain that I MUST be above this rule today or my child's head is going to start spinning and projectile vomit is in the near future.  She agrees because dang, the other chick is working her butt off and she is just standing there with no one in line.  I don't get it.  Shouldn't that rule be void when there is no one with under 12 items?  Do I need to write my Congressman about it?  Common sense people, let's get with it.  She rings it up and I swipe my card.  $57?  For what?  Grapes, milk and chicken nuggets?  Highway robbery!  Because Collin is pissed he didn't get any candy, shocker, he hits the cancel button on the credit card machine.  Little turd!  No big, I just run it again but at this point, I'm so done with him.

Out of the store and it has upgraded from pouring rain to monsoon.  Good thing Matt and Avary are
 comfy and cozy in the gym getting in a uplifting but relaxing workout.  It's a whole new ball of wax when we get home because the driveway is full of gasp..........  MUD PUDDLES!

Things I should never have to say to another human..

There are just some things that a person should never have to say to another person.  I have found myself reminding my children to not do some pretty bizarre things.  Here are just a few things I have said lately that I think are just down right unnecessary:

1.  Don't ride the dog
2.  Don't use the dog's cage as a step stool
3.  Don't bite your toenails
4.  Don't sit on that baby
5.  Don't lick the bottom of your shoes
6.  Don't pee on my bathroom rug
7.  Don't pee on your sister
8.  Don't try to see how far you can stick your arm down the toilet hole
9.  Don't repeatedly gag yourself
10.Don't drink contact solution
11.Don't put Operation game pieces up your nose
12.Don't touch the dog's butt
13.Don't eat my homework (that should only be said to a dog right? not in my house)
14.Don't break all of my eggs in the refrigerator..again
15.Don't grind my makeup into the carpet
16.Don't make spitballs out of the toilet paper
17.Don't put the dog in your toy box
18.Don't throw toys down the air vents, toilet, garbage disposal, etc.
19.Don't paint my car with mud
20.Don't feed the dog Gobstoppers
21.Don't call 911 on my cell phone
22.Don't spread sunscreen on the computer screen
23.Don't poop in the pack n play or the floor
24.Don't paint the walls and carpet with nail polish
25.Don't put rocks in my car tires
26.Don't take all my tampons apart
27.Don't pretend your pee pee is Stretch Armstrong
28.Don't pick your brother's nose and don't let him pick yours
29.Don't repeat what Mommy says while she's driving
30.Don't repeat those words at church either
31.Don't eat bugs
32.Don't bring me a bug you found
33.Don't eat Easter egg dye
34.Don't try to take diet pills
35.Don't eat screws or we will have to go to ER again
36.Don't eat dog food or drink out of the dog's water bowl
37.Don't stick pantyliners all over your naked body
38.Don't get hurt or I'm not taking you to Wal-Mart:) hehe

Will update this list as needed:)

They scare me..

These past few days have been a hair-raising experience.  I am truly scared. These two little people in my house have begun to take over.  I am realizing that they honestly think I am a joke.  My warnings, threats, ultimate rulings, and eventual beatings don't mean a thing anymore.  I'm beginning to think that my children are deaf.  Maybe they are those kind of people who enjoy inflicting pain on others, like sadists.  Whatever they are, I don't think they have a conscious.  

Two days ago, I am cleaning upstairs and realize that my children are downstairs, ALONE.  Terrified, because I'm sure the house is going to cave in at any time due to the damage they have probably already caused, I run down the stairs.  All the while tripping over the dumb, knot-on-a-log dog, almost splattering myself on the hardwoods at the bottom of the stairs.  I mean, damn dog if someone 20 times your size is running toward you, move your ass!!  

I find the oldest one sitting on the couch watching cartoons.  Seems harmless enough, but she is eating a popsicle.  I find the little one on the counter, via the dining room table chair that he dragged through the house.  He had opened our mail, gotten himself and Avary popsicles out of the freezer, and was eating about 13 Gobstoppers that we thought were out of reach.  Nothing is out of reach.  Things on the ceiling aren't out of reach.  

Speaking of climbing on counters, they do this often.  They are like jungle cats or cockroaches climbing the walls and counters.  A couple of months ago, they went on a wild rampage through the house and I found them on the counter.  This time Avary had climbed up on the washing machine to get a cooler that they would use to climb on other things.  First let me tell you that Avary had on a Barney the Dinosaur costume from Halloween two years ago.  So, I find her in the cabinet eating Easter egg dye tablets...???? WTF?????  I'm hoping they are non-toxic. Her accomplice hadn't made it as far but was on the cooler using the metal egg dipper to dip various things into the (cold) coffee pot.  Why do they think this is acceptable?

How unacceptable is this:  I found them the other day in the medicine cabinet eating Spongebob Band-Aids.  After chewing them up, they were using them as spit-balls.  Not only does this make me furious, I think that I am most upset about the fact that those Spongebob Band-Aids cost a fortune!  While punishing them, I am yelling, "You'll never get Spongebob Band-Aids ever again!  Nope, it's good ol' ugly, brown, Dollar Tree brand, plastic bandages for ya'll!!"  Mwah-ha-ha-ha!!

Avary has always been a climber.  In fact, we have to bolt furniture to the wall so she doesn't turn it over on herself.  You know this happened a few times and that is why we had to start bolting!  Good thing she never got hurt, just my furniture did.  I like to think that if one of them did fall off a dresser and get hurt, they would stop the excessive climbing.  This, though, simply is not true.  Along with their deafness, I think they lack the ability to comprehend.  

As I am sitting here pouring my woes out to you, those two little people are on the loose in my house.  I thinking it might be a good idea to go and assess the damage.  I'm scared.  I will update you on the current destruction as I can.  Oh hell, they just ran into the bathroom and shut the door..........

The trials of THIS MOM

I am a mom of two beautiful children.  I use this term very lightly because they are ugly!  What I mean is those two have very ugly attitudes!  I like to think of my motherly endeavors as daily trials and tribulations. I am a spiritual woman, I love Jesus and I try to teach my children how to walk the christian walk.  But those two are demons and I'm sure I've witnessed their heads spinning with projectile vomit.

 My sweet baby girl, four year old Avary, was my first born.  My heart and soul.  My miracle.  I was told that children weren't in my future and to medicate with fertility drugs and hope and pray but don't get my hopes up.  After a solid year of baby-making and fertility drugs, much to my husband's merriment, we popped positive.  We were so happy but little did we know that a positive result on this test was much like popping positive on an STD test.  This was something we had to live with forever.

A long an grueling eight months later, because thank God I went early, our precious bouncing baby girl was born!!  I thought, "phew, what a breeze!"  Labor was nothing and pushing was a joke!  My sisters and mama even comment on how "Zen" my delivery room was.  No screaming, no crying, nothing.  Just bam, Ta-da, here's Avary.

Oh, I tell you, this baby was beautiful!  Perfect.  When I held this angel in my arms for the first time, I smiled and cried because it was then that I knew I had entered the first circle of Hell.

After two blissful, disastrous years, I yearned for another infant.  I got the baby fever bad.  My sister gave birth to a perfect little boy and I held that little monster and made a vow to myself to give it another shot.  My Avary was walking and nearly talking.  My arms ached with a real pain to cradle a sweet little baby boy.  However, I was told that having one baby could "fix" me and I could have babies on my own or have to do fertility treatments once again.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, and gentlemen if you are reading, I swear with all my heart and soul that I thought that I couldn't have babies on my own so I told my husband that contraception was a joke for us!  HA!  Low and behold, I got pregnant the same week my sister was giving birth!  Must be like some karma in the air because I got exactly what I wished for!  Do you remember how your mama used to say, "Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it."  Well, I got it.  Lord almighty did I get it.  I think the Lord was punishing me for bugging the hell out of him with my baby wishes and prayers.  He said, "Shannon, I'm gonna give you that baby and damn if it's not gonna cost you!"

Let me back it up a bit.  My husband is in the Navy and deploys often.  Well, we had just bought a new house.  Our first house ever.  We moved in and immediately found out that I was pregnant.  The kicker is that he was due to deploy to Bahrain the next week!!!!  F#&K!  I'm pregnant, I have an 18 month old, a new house, and my husband is leaving the country for six months!  FML...if you know what that means.

I toughed out six months with the wonderful help of my wonderfully crazy family and my husband's equally crazy family.  Understand that I have been blessed with three (my husbands parents are divorced) of the best families that I could have ever asked for and I love every single one of them with all of my tired heart.

Long story short, husband comes home to humongous wife who is almost due and a crazy two year old. Adjustments needed.  We deal, we do it as every military family does.  Let me tell you how I go into labor, is this off subject?  Anywho, I walk a ridiculous amount and take a shot of castor oil and maybe a bit of nipple stimulation, because I hear it releases oxytocin which makes you umm, go into labor or something.  All right, so with Collin, I go into labor.  Goes good, about nine and a half hours of excruciating labor later, I'm thinking, "I thought this was easy!"  Avary must have been a fluke because Collin was tearing my insides apart!

Collin made his debut and he was just as beautiful as my Avary was!  I bonded with this baby instantly.  I held that little villain in my arms and crooned a lullaby as sweet as an hymn.  During my love song to my baby, I look up and see my mother-in-law's boyfriend, Everette, enter the room to take a peek at the baby.  This would have been so cool except that my bloody, blown out vagina was on display for the world to see!  I'm so sure that every time he looks at me now, he sees my mangled vagina.  How embarrassing!!

However, as I am cuddling my second-born, my sweet baby boy, I smile and cry because it was then that I knew I had entered the second circle of Hell.........